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Very funny.
From a local Austin newspaper where SXSW is in full swing:
'Yes, you are a groupie' and 35 more things every rock critic should know By Michael Corcoran and Robert Wilonsky Austin American-Statesman Thursday, March 14, 2002
Nearly 700 music critics, several of whom don't have a record review in the new Blender, will be scouring our town for information this week. Here's a heapin' helpin' of the truth all at once. 1. Writing for rollingstone.com isn't the same as writing for Rolling Stone. But then, these days writing for Rolling Stone isn't the same as writing for Rolling Stone. 2. Guitars do not "ring" or "chime." Bells do. 3. Go ahead and admit it: You don't get the Velvet Underground. 4. Using rap slang in your reviews only makes you come off more like a white kid from the suburbs. 5. The first person is not the First Amendment. It's a privilege, not a right. 6. Ryan Adams has no talent. 7. It's a record review, not a term paper. 8. Three of the most frightening words ever: "The American MOJO." 9. Your band stinks. 10. Alejandro Escovedo doesn't really like you -- he's using you. 11. Lou Reed doesn't really hate you -- he's just using you. 12. Dressing like a rock star doesn't make you look like a rock star: It only reinforces the stereotype that critics are musician wannabes (Boy, that's three David Fricke refs in a row.) 13. Stop trying to make Richard Thompson famous. Ain't gonna happen. 14. Dude, I can't believe we went to the same concert. 15. Do not quote other rock critics. Hanging out with them is pathetic enough. 16. Lester Bangs is dead. What's your excuse? 17. Saying you like Radiohead's "difficult" albums will only encourage them. 18. You can't have a "benefit concert" for millionaires, no matter what Don Henley says. 19. You don't really like heavy metal. So stop writing about it already. 20. Three more of the most frightening words ever: "Robert Christgau protégé." 21. If you've ever received a rejection from No Depression, you might want to consider another career path. 22. Don't you dare cross the street to avoid Mojo Nixon. Five years ago you were sucking up to him. 23. If you receive a sex tape featuring a prominent R&B artist and don't dub copies for friends, then you deserve the Chicago Sun-Times. 24. If you've ever shared a hot tub with a rock star, please keep it to yourself. 25. "Yo La Tengo" is Spanish for "Critics Can't Rock." 26. Before you take a job with Rolling Stone you should know that the name on Jann Wenner's business card is "Charles Foster Kane." (This is not a joke.) 27. Let's see if you can write a concert review without using any of these words: pulsating, pounding, post-(something). 28. Greil Marcus has earned the right to not make sense. You haven't. 29. Having Courtney Love hit on you during an interview is as special as a free coffee refill. 30. Go ahead and give Willie Nelson a bad review. You know you want to. 31. Would you please stop that incessant, jerky, head-bobbing? Standing behind you at a show is like staring at a strobe light. 32. Don't ask. Don't tell. (If you're from out of town, Cheapo buys everything.) 33. Who the heck is encouraging all those telemarketers posing as publicists? 34. Three things you know nothing about: dance music, hip-hop and jazz. 35. Re: the Strokes. Make up your mind already.
Carl Jacobson 51 Melcher Street, 8th Floor f. 617.423.9007
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