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Re: Left-handed Compliments From Off the Wall

Rich Atkinson,

In a message dated 11/15/04 21:13:32, thetoyroom@comcast.net writes:

There is no way you would have traveled the distance you did to perform
at the loopfests, if you felt the only thing you were going to get out of it was
expressing to the world your shortcomings. Something motivated you. 

Some of it's the CHALLENGE, the opportunity to LEARN or the prospect
that it will be INTERESTING
and FUN plus (and possibly most importantly)
the desperate HOPE that this time will be DIFFERENT (and one of the rare
exceptions) that is actually FULFILLING for that ol' mysterious and inscrutable

Failing that, there's always the CAMARADERIE. I've made friends with people
at these things that I never would've otherwise. Some of these people I almost
consider FAMILY now. They are my TRIBE. Heck! I'd come just for that alone.
We're talking about relationships I'll cherish the rest of my days.

I guess what I'm saying is that “that” is apparent in your work. So hearing you
slag yourself (which you are humorously very good at) doesn't suit you!

Sorry about that. But I really can't help it. After 51.5 years of being
this same exact way about EVERYTHING in my life it's a bit late to
change me. Would that it were just an affectation that I could turn
on and off. I can hide it for short periods, true -- much like one keeps
from farting, belching, scratching or picking one's nose in public places.
But, ultimately, it's who I am. Sometimes I let it all out.

How much ‘better’ would you have to be to be part of the ‘grand scheme
of things’? Aren't we really all part of the grand scheme, anyway?

Yes, we are all "parts" -- very little and inconsequential parts for the
most part. Heheh. But there are very definitely those who seem to
have an affect on the grander design, individuals that quietly shift
paradigms, (thinking of Andre Lafosse) that change the color and
flavor of at least their own local neighborhoods of the "grand scheme"
(thinking of Rick Walker) just by being who they are, and/or people
who just make you go "GOOD GOD FREAKING WOW!" (thinking of
Amy X, or Kid Beyond) when they do what they do what they do.
You can't help but take to your feet and cheer such people
sometimes -- and they don't even have to be famous.

Yeah it's easy to be egalitarian and say I'm an artist, you're an artist
my dog's an artist among ordinary folk on a day to day basis here
among the mortals and punters. But when you meet a real one
you know you've met someone just a little different -- different even
than you. It can be startling if you're unprepared (or worse, you've
believed your own press). Heheheh.

Myself, I HAVE had my rare "WOW!" moments, but (painfully) 90% or
more of the time I'm just another hopeless punter and a bit of a clueless
dweeb hoping against hope that the "muse" will one day mistakenly strike
me again and that the next gig will be another one of those ones that
is truly, truly DIFFERENT.

It would be a most pleasant thought to think that I was just being "hard
on myself" and that all I need is a little different "perspective." I'd like
that. It'd take the edge off the pain a little. The only problem is it doesn't
wash, and it doesn't work for me -- unfortunately.

It's a little like being given the power of flight -- but only intermittently
(and rarely at that). One day you soar, the next 10 you leap and fall
on your ass. Your ass hurts -- a lot. And so does your pride -- too many
saw you fall. Every clear blue-sky day and every shear high cliff you
encounter becomes a call to challenge. But the ever-present dull pain
in you butt is a constant reminder too. You see a few others up there
in the sky -- plainly defying gravity -- and wonder what it was that God
had in mind for you. Despite the pain, (and your better senses) you
climb the cliff and take a running jump at the precipice edge again . . .

I seem to have a lot in common with the lemming. That's why I go
to loopfests. It's my quasi-annual opportunity to get flying lessons.
So far, I keep leaving them limping, broken and sore. I keep coming
though, in hope that the next will be the one that I fly away from.

Best regards,

tEd ® kiLLiAn


Ted Killian's "Flux Aeterna" is also available at: Apple iTunes,
BuyMusic, Rhapsody, MusicMatch, MusicNet, DiscLogic, Napster,
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and Viztas. Yadda, yadda, yadda, blah, blah, blah. So???